If Darkness Turns to Light (Jean x Reader)
by nighting kale
Summary: The Battle of Trost caused quite the emotional toll on Jean. With his two best friends dead, he has no one else to turn to. [AN: I'm not good at descriptions] (Two Parts)
1. It Ends Tonight

The scene in front of the (h/c) haired girl was devastating. Her friends were being eaten alive. Their shrill screams and pleads could be heard all over. She seemed frozen, as if her legs couldn't work. Her leather jacket that bore the symbol of the trainees was drenched in her own blood. A severe wound on her arm was still pulsing blood. The rooftops around her were damaged and had severed limbs lying on them. She felt dizzy for a moment, but regained her composure. Four 7 meter class titans were all around her. The thought of being eaten by one, one of _those_ things disturbed her. Tears started rushing from her (e/c) eyes. Everything she had trained for, everything she had prepared for had left her mind and replaced that knowledge with fear. The screams of the dying could still be hear over the thunderous footsteps of the titans. But one scream caught her attention. She listened closer, and it confirmed one of her worst fears. Her breath hitched up and she started running towards the edge of the rooftop. Her emotions running all over the place.  
"I'm coming for you, Jean. I'm going to be the hero for once," The girl whispered to herself, but her words were lost in the wind.  
(Y/n) didn't have a crush on the arrogant boy, she loved him with all of her heart. The very thought of him dying and her being unable to stop it was unbearable. The wind tossed around the girl's (h/l) (h/c) locks. She flew gracefully threw the air, as if she was born to do this. As the seconds ticked by, memories flooded her mind. Memories of when she met Jean, when Wall Maria was breached by the Colossal Titan, the day she joined the military, up to the battle where her friends were dying all around her. Though no one technically talked to (Y/n), she considered every trainee her friend. The only people who understood her complex emotions were Marco and Jean. They had stuck together before their hellish lives in the military began. Marco was courteous and held a special place in her heart, but as a brother unlike Jean. He was arrogant and loud, but he saw through the façade (Y/n) always wore. She loved him wholeheartedly. But he was always oblivious to the girl's advances. He seemed to mistake them for friendly gestures. And so he chased after the black-haired beauty Mikasa. It broke (y/n)'s heart, but she just smiled through the pain and pretended she didn't mind. She even supported Jean to keep up the act.  
She landed gracefully on a balcony as a titan hand reached for her form. Thankfully, the titan wasn't faster otherwise she would've been a goner. It swung its hand toward her again, but this time (Y/n) jumped up onto its outstretched arm and began running along it. She drew out her blades, ready to strike. She leaped up and slashed her weapons across the small area across the back of the neck. Blood seeped through and a chunk of the pale flesh flew through the air. She smirked, it didn't stand a chance. Though the titan was dead, she was still cautious of her surroundings. She leapt off the falling body and pulled the trigger to fire the cables that attached to the 3D maneuver gear. Once again, she was racing to make it to Jean before it was too late.  
"No! Please don't!" a male voiced shouted.  
(Y/n) whipped her head around. She launched herself towards a nearby rooftop and skidded to a stop. Unfortunately, she landed on her wounded arm. A grimace made its way onto her face, but she didn't cry out. After mustering the strength to stand up, she started running in the direction where she heard Jean yell from. And for the third time today, she went searching for hi. Buildings whizzed by as she dodged smaller titans. Willing herself to go faster, she threw herself higher into the sky and fired the trigger to release the hook that would help her keep gliding above the ground. As she rounded the corner, what (y/n) saw made her cry out. Jean was being held in the hand of a 7 meter class titan. He was squirming and struggling to break free, but it just wasn't enough. She pressed the trigger on her blade to make her go faster, so she could kill the monster before the unimaginable happened.  
"Jean! Hold on for just a moment longer! I'll save you!" (y/n) shouted to the terrified boy.  
He stopped struggling for a moment and looked directly at his savior. She pulled out her two swords and latched both cables to the back of the titan's neck. She swooped in for the strike and left a clean, long gash where she had been moments before. But life was cruel, because just as she killed it, her 3D maneuver gear ran out of gas. Her scream was lost was she hurtled toward the ground at an amazing speed. She reached out for anything that would stop her descent. But to no avail, she was in the middle of two buildings, each way out of her grasp. The view would've been beautiful if she were looking at it in a different perspective.  
(Y/n) braced for impact as she calculated that there would be unbearable pain in about 10 seconds. Her leather jacket had even more blood on it, as well as her left pant leg. The young girl closed her eyes, awaiting her what would be her demise.

Jean's P.O.V.

I watched as one of my best friends hurtled to her death. I tried wriggling out of the now dead titan's grasp. But it had an iron grip and I knew I wouldn't arrive in time to save her. I finally gave up and reached for my blades. I grasped the hilt and poked it through one of the titan's fingers. I then made a long, clean cut through fingers all around me. I mentally high-fived myself, but it was a short lived celebration because just as I broke free and sheathed my blades, I heard (y/n) cry out in as I saw her land on the cobblestone path, her back arching as her face contorted with immense pain. I stared wide-eyed, unable to move. As I blinked several times, her loud, shrill cries broke me from my trance.  
I raced over, my boots making sounds as they made contact with the street. She was lying still, tears rushing down her face. Blood was soaking through her jacket. I hovered over her, trying to keep my composure. I couldn't stand to see the broken form of my best friend.  
"J-Jean, I there's something that y-you need to hear before I die," (y/n) said softly. I could tell she was trying to be strong. I nodded and I looked around us to make sure no titans were approaching us.  
"I-I know you'll never feel the same way, considering the way you look at Mikasa, but I've meaning to tell you this. Jean Kirschtein, I love you. I've loved you since the beginning of training. Hell, I've loved you before this. I just didn't have the courage to tell you, and I chickened out. But I'm sure that because of being a coward, it saved me heartbreak in the long run. And I wanted you to know, that I love you wholeheartedly, without a doubt," (y/n) whispered into my ear.  
She lifted herself just an inch off the ground, but that was high enough for her lips to brush against mine. She tasted of blood and sweat. My vision became filled with tears. How could've been so blind? We told each other everything. Or mostly everything. I confessed my love about Mikasa to her. And yet she didn't give up hope for a happy ending. Just as quickly as the kiss began, it ended. She breathed and lowered herself. I sat down and cradled her head in my arms for a moment.  
"A-At least I don't have to bear the weight on unrequited love now. Just promise me that you won't forget me when you go after Mikasa. I want to be remembered as more than a soldier that died in combat. I want to be known as the girl who died for her best friend, because she couldn't imagine a world without the person that meant everything to her," she mumbled loud enough for me to hear.  
Tears ran down my face as I choked back a sob. It couldn't believe one of my closest friends was dying right before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it. I averted my hazel eyes to the grey sky, which suited the mood. When I looked back, I saw that she was mouthing something to me. _Goodbye, my love_, were the words that she formed with her blood-red lips. As her last breath left her body, I let my tears flow freely. I would have to bear the weight of knowing that she had an unrequited love for me. And I'd never be able to tell her the truth about my feelings. The gleam in her (e/c) colored eyes faded until they were dull and glassy. I closed her eyes, so it would look like she would be in eternal sleep.  
My sobbing seemed to never end, but in reality, I bet only five minutes have passed. I gently put down her head on the ground. I wiped the tears from my face before I picked up her body and held her body close to mine. The blood on her uniform didn't take away from her beauty, it only made her look like a fallen angel. I pressed the trigger on my blade so I could lift the both of us to the nearest rooftop. The 3D maneuver gear pulled us against the tug of gravity to safety. I landed as gently as possible, so I wouldn't drop (y/n). Her (h/l) (h/c) tresses were messy, due to the wind. I stroked her silky hair and nuzzled my face in it, so I could catch her scent one last time. Though my time of mourning was long gone, I still felt the need to cry. Either out of frustration or grief. Maybe even both. I kissed (y/n)'s forehead before I set down her broken body and took off to find Marco and tell him about her valiant death. Surely he'd want to know. They were like brother and sister.

~~~~~  
Jean's P.O.V.

I couldn't believe I had lost the two people that were everything to me. Now, as they burn (y/n)'s and Marco's bones, I can't distinguish who was who. Maybe that's a good thing. I never got the chance to tell Marco about (y/n). I bet they're talking together right now, in some sort of afterlife. It's either that or their very existence has been wiped from this cruel world. I'd prefer it if I can pretend that they're conversing in some nonexistent world that only the dead see. The pain of knowing that both of them are gone overwhelms me. I'd never be able to share secrets with them or tell them jokes. But (y/n)'s death has had the biggest impact on me. No one knew who she was or paid attention to her because she was always outshined by others. But in truth, she was a ray of sunshine in an endless gray sky. And one of the two people that cared about her was dead.  
"I'm sorry (y/n) and Marco. I should've saved you guys," I whispered.  
I heard laughter and I looked up. Standing there was Marco and (y/n), unscathed. I widened my eyes and I started to shake. I knew this was only a hallucination, but it still gave the same comforting effect.  
"You're not strong nor weak. You're just able to read the situation and be ready to take the right course of action. It's what makes you a natural leader," (y/n) said as she grinned. Marco nodded and smiled as well. I blinked and they were gone.  
My expression hardened. I knew I wasn't meant to join the Military Police. I was supposed to join the Scouting Legion. The thought didn't occur to me that (y/n) didn't make the Top 10, but I guess I would've followed her wherever she went.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
_The sun was shining down on the three walls. Two children were running all over the town in a game of tag. Pedestrians grumbled profanities as they ran into them, but didn't get a chance to yell at them for they moved swiftly among the crowd. The tallest of the pair, Jean, was running from the tagger who was (y/n). Even though he had longer legs, she was just as fast. The brown-haired boy ran into a quiet alleyway. (Y/n) had caught up to him, laughing as her (h/l) (h/c) hair flowed behind her. She tackled the taller boy and landed on top of him. He blushed a crimson red and the girl's face flushed as well. She got up and brushed off her clothes and patted down her hair. She helped Jean up, his hand reluctantly grabbing hers. He dusted off his clothes as well. When he turned to face the girl, she stood up on her tip-toes and kissed his right cheek. His face was redder than a tomato. She giggled and ran off saying that he was it now. He touched the spot where her soft lips met his face. He stood there dumbfounded. Eventually, he ran after the young girl. Unsure of where she went, he started walking to her house._  
_He was about to knock on the door when a high-pitched voice called out from behind him. Standing there was (y/n), hand in hand with a newcomer. She smiled and explained that the boy with the dark brown hair and freckles was Marco. She then happily exclaimed that they would be the best of friends. Marco smiled sheepishly at Jean, only to notice that his face was stone cold. He glared at Marco before he gave a weak smile. Jean felt a strange emotion, which he would eventually learn the name of it: jealousy. He had also felt love too. But he only dismissed it as possessiveness over a friend. And he would continue to do so for the next 6 years, up until the point of (y/n)'s death. That day, he realized he loved (y/n) all along. And when he knew it, he was too big of a coward to admit it, even when she was dying in his arms. In the end, (y/n) was the one who should have been recognized for her bravery, in more ways than one._


	2. If I Lose Myself

_Her breath was heavy and rhythmic. The sound of the humming cicada's was enough to put her to sleep hours ago. The warm summer air made it even more likely for her fall asleep. The [h/c] haired girl was resting her head on a boy no older than her, who happened to be enjoying the company of the sleeping girl. His amber eyes flitted from her to the awakening lightning bugs. They circled high and low around the tall, luscious green grass. The sound of the cicada's hadn't stopped one bit, and the night was only beginning.  
The boy sighed, and gently shook his companion, alerting her that the lightning bugs had finally come out. Her eyebrow's furrowed in confusion, and she only snuggled closer to him. He shook her once again, and only then did she open one [e/c] eye; much like an agitated cat. She widened her sleepy eyes at the sight of the bugs. To her, it looked like the stars from the heavens above had come down for the night. To the boy, it was just a bunch of bugs. He mumbled something incoherent to her, but she only sat there with her mouth shaped like an 'O'. Her eyes were illuminated by the flickering lights, and the boy couldn't help but look over at her smiling form. The sight made him feel better about waking her; after all, this was why she wanted to stay up late. The moon gleamed in the night sky, casting its light over everything, making things look serene and peaceful. A gentle breeze came through and tousled the girl's [h/l] [h/c] hair. She stood up and stretched as a cat would after a satisfying nap. Her white night gown was gently swaying with the breeze, and she held her hand out to the boy next to her.  
He accepted her hand, and she pulled him up with ease. The grass had indents from where they were just sitting, and so were the imprints of their feet. Grass clung to the boy's shorts and the girl's hair from lying down earlier. He reluctantly let go of her small hand, and started walking towards the main road. The lightning bugs fly all over the place in a manner that suggested that they were sad to see the two go. The girl slowly followed the boy with two toned copper hair. The journey back was only a short distance, and even though the trip back from the edge of the woods was silent, the two knew that they were content with the time they spent together. Trees became fewer in numbers alongside the road until there were only buildings. The commons area was empty. It was oddly quiet, yet comforting at the same time. It made the girl feel as though there was nothing else existing but her and her friend. She knew the harsh reality, but let the blissful feeling consume her for a while longer. A tug on the boys shirt signaled that the girl wanted him to slow down so she could catch up. He did what was expected of him, and she neared his left side, and intertwined her hand with his. He would have been flustered any other day, but since there was no one to see the pair walking down the streets of Trost, he didn't. He directed his amber gaze on her form, and felt a small smile grace his lips.  
She looked incredibly happy, and he felt bad that the moment of inexplicable bliss would end soon since their houses were becoming larger and larger in his vision. Their hands seemed to have been molded for each other, and it displeased the boy that he was thinking of his childhood friend in such a manner. Their houses came up on their right, and the two separated. They stared at each other. Amber eyes met [e/c] eyes and they seemed to linger for a moment longer than the should have. The night was now silent, and the calming sound of the cicada's was gone. The stars still twinkled in the sky like it did at the edges of the forest, but they seemed dimmer now. The girl closed the gap between their forms and wrapped her arms around his waist. She smiled while she hugged him and whispered two words that would bring happiness to him days to come._

Jean woke with a tear-streaked face, and most of the boys snickered at this. They called him all sorts of horrible names to get a rise out of him, but he didn't pay any attention to them. All he could think about was the memory of _her_. It happened years ago in their hometown, and it caused a wave of emotions to overwhelm the boy. He mindlessly trudged towards the nearest bathing room so he could take a scalding hot bath to take away some of the painful emotions.  
After getting on all of his needed gear, he walked out the door of the boys' barracks. The mess hall was noisy as usual, but he seemed lost in his own word. Several people pointed and stared at him, but none gathered the courage necessary to go up to him and ask him what was wrong. He walked over towards his usual table, and sat down. Connie Springer, a friend of his, was nearby and whispered something to Sasha Braus, another cadet. He overheard one of them mention Marco, his deceased friend. He laughed bitterly to no one in particular. Of course they only remember one of his two best friends.  
Though Marco's death pained him greatly, he only felt remorse about it. Whereas when it came to _her _death, he felt furious that he was the only one who even bothered to remember her and her good deeds. _She _was there for everyone in the 104th Trainees Squad. Even the ice queen, Annie Leonhardt._She _was even there for Jean's main enemy, Eren Jaeger. He brushed her off, accusing her of trying to get back at him for saying quite rude things to her best friend Jean, but she stood her ground and insisted that he was a good person. Eventually Eren warmed up to her, but he became quite suspicious of all the time he was spending with his adopted sister, Mikasa Ackerman. Eren and _her _always seemed to sneak off during conversations, only to return ten minutes later and the two of them laughing about something. Jean was secretly envious of all the time Eren was spending with [First], but Marco convinced him that they both shared a strong bond much like the bond that the two childhood friends shared.  
Of course Jean was bitter about this, and began to spend more and more time with the black-haired beauty Mikasa, who showed no interest in his advances at her. Though she showed no interest in his pick-up lines, she did pay attention to the way he looked longingly at [First]. She noticed the way he'd rest is hand on her's while sitting at a table in the mess hall, the way he teased her playfully, and how he usually wrapped a protective arm around her while walking alone. She concluded that he was only infatuated with her like a silly crush, but truly _loved _[First]. Though he never said it, his actions spoke louder than words.  
As Jean sat by himself at the table, Mikasa was reminded how much he loved [First]. Her heart secretly ached for him, since she could relate to the feeling when she almost lost her only family left, Eren. Her dark eyes darted around the room and noticed that people were pointing and staring at him. She thought about going up to help comfort him, but decided against it since in the long run she'd only lead him on to break his heart again later.

~~~~~

The days passed by like a blur for Jean, but it did nothing to lessen the pain of the death of his friends. Connie and Sasha became good friends of his and he soon began to smile more and more. After what seemed like forever, he laughed for the first time again. The hole in his heart was still there, but the other trainees eventually warmed up to them. It was a routine day when he realized something. [First] had died so he could live. But now, he tarnished her sacrifice by dwelling on the fact of her death. He also realized that he was basically forgetting that Marco and [First] didn't belong to him alone. Other people were still hurting like he was, but he was too blinded by grief to notice. He needed to live life to the fullest if he wanted to honor [First]'s death and he needed to move on and forge his own destiny if he wanted honor the most important words his best friend said to him.

~~~~~

The weeks passed by, and he had confronted his inner demons. He feared that if he lived his life, he would forget about his friends, but he knew deep down that they would always be in his heart. The fear of forgetting still haunted him from time to time, but he'd then see something that reminded him of his two best friends. For example, he feared forgetting about [First], but he crossed paths with flower that was [f/c], and it reminded him of how beautiful she was. One day, he was saddened by the thought that he may be going to see his friends soon in the afterlife, but he saw a young boy with dark brown hair, freckles, and brown eyes. He reminded himself that if he lost touch with his side that willed himself to keep fighting death is connected to new life, and no matter how cruel the world may be, there was always going to be something beautiful worth fighting for.


End file.
